I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
