this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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