I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
