Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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