Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
