Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
