I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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