at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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