apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
