My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
