I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
