How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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