I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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