mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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