Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
