i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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