my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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