dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
what day is it and did you see me today?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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