I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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