HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
