hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
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