it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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