Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
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