he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
