yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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