then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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