I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
