i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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