So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
