first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
