she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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