I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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