A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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