I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
