She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
why do cheetos always look like penises
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
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