Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
