hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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