Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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