Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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