I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
tell me about the fingering
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