I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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