Where did you get a picture of my penis
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
