i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
