You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
