I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
