i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
