Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize