i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
