Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
