Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
