I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
