Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
