come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
