I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
