Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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