You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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