I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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