At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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