there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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