I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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