What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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