I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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