did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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