i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
