Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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