she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Hippo gnu deer
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
