dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
