i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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