We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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