If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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